When We Were Safe
by Emullz
Summary: Baby pictures are universal objects, kept always in dusty old binders with captions such as 'Martha, 3 yrs" or "Charlie, 1964," brought out in awkward occasions as an appreciated formality. These pictures came out in odd moments, one at a time, and collected in their own binder that they kept on the coffee table that was labelled in cheery yellow marker: When We Were Safe.
1. The Album

Baby pictures are universal objects, kept always in dusty old binders with captions such as 'Martha, 3 yrs" or "Charlie, 1964," brought out in awkward occasions as an appreciated formality, something to coo over and look at, someone beaming with pride and someone else just laughing.

Universal objects, of course, transcend traditional dividers, and both James Potter and Lily Evans had baby pictures to show each other, and they did, of course, in settings that kept the dusty old binders but nobody beaming with pride. That, sadly, was kept to their imaginations.

In a turn of events, however, these pictures came out in odd moments, one at a time, and collected in their own binder that they kept on the coffee table that was labelled in cheery yellow marker: _When We Were Safe_.

If this seems melodramatic, let it be said that Sirius was the one who took the paint pen out of Lily's hand and wrote in in loopy letters, while James laughed on about the dramatics of the statement and Remus just snapped away with his ever present camera, saying that if there was going to be a binder, there was going to be pictures to put in it.

And so their safety was compromised, as was their childhood, but that didn't mean that they couldn't look back upon both with a certain nostalgia, and that they did.

The binder was soon filled, and it must've spent time in every room in that little flat, with its loopy yellow writing and captions written underneath. Sometimes it was Remus' picture perfect handwriting, sometimes it was James' sharp i's and t's, and, more often, it was Lily's scrawl, somehow elegant and untidy all at once.

This is the story of the photo album on the table in the center of the flat, and all the tales behind them.


	2. Remus, 1963

_Remus, 1963_

_Also, that time that Sirius told Marlene in drunken confidence that he used to figure skate and everyone found out (she will be forever dead to me)_

* * *

><p>The first picture came from the typical setting.<p>

It was tea time, in the Lupin household, and although his mother was confused as to why he'd brought a girl over and she wasn't _his_ girlfriend, she was his best mate's, she took it in stride and dusted off her old tartan baby book and showed around the obligatory Remus' first bath photo to Remus' first wand photo and everything in between.

"And this is the end then," his mum said, flipping the binder without really looking at the last page. Lily quickly held out her hand and tried to suppress her giggling.

"Wait, Mrs- Lucinda, can you please go back? I think I saw something in the back pocket," Lily said. James and Sirius, who hovered behind the couch, having been through this album hundreds of times before in an attempt to get something embarrassing, perked up.

"The back pocket? We've never seen anything in the-" James elbowed Sirius in the stomach, hard, and Sirius yelped.

"We've never seen anything in the back pocket because we've never, y'know, looked extensively," James said through gritted teeth. "Just the times that Mrs- erm, Lucinda has showed us, obviously."

Lily paid no attention to James' rambles as she slid the photo out of the back flap, where all but a sliver of the bottom was concealed in the fabric that was pinned to the cover. "You wouldn't have seen it," she said quietly, "you don't pay attention, you dolt."

"What's that, darling?" James asked, dropping his chin onto her shoulder to have a better look at the picture.

"Oh, not now, you, this picture is too cute to be marred by your terrible attempts to make me say something cute so you can kiss me," Lily said. "Nothing can make me tear my eyes away from this."

"It was worth a try," James muttered, making a grab for the little square of paper.

"What are you all doing in here, lunch is-" Remus began, and then his coloring went away. "Mum! My baby photos? Honestly, the first time I bring round Lily, she won't stop talking about this for months!"

"Oh, but Moony, look at you in this costume," Lily cooed, holding it out for him to see. "The little hood and fluffy tail-"

"Oh, he never took it off," Remus' mum said fondly, getting up. "I've got to go to that bridge tournament I told you about, sweetheart, I'll be back in an hour, if you want to stay."

"Nah, Mum, we'll be fine, we'll just eat lunch and go. Anyways, we've a meeting tonight, remember? I'll be back next week, promise." Remus kissed his mother on the cheek as she grabbed her things and opened the door.

"Lily, dear?" she said suddenly. "You keep that picture. It seems to bring you more joy than it's brought me."

"Thank you, Lucinda," Lily said from her perch on the arm of the couch, finally looking up from little Remus and his costume. The door shut quietly and Lily waved the picture around a bit.

"You know what this reminded me of?" Lily said, passing the picture to Sirius. "That book, from when we were little? Where the Wild Things Are?"

"I used to read that book all the time. Christmas, 1963, it came in the mail from my Uncle Terry." Remus smiled sadly. "It's where I got the costume idea. I screamed until Mum made it."

"It's okay, I wore fairy wings until I was eight," Lily said, getting up and going into the kitchen. "And I had a teddy bear I took everywhere when I was about three, from a fair. It was as big as I was, so that was a challenge."

James followed her in and Lily grinned, grabbing his hand. "Now it seems James has a teddy bear that's nearly his size," Lily said, "and he's going to go everywhere it goes."

"No, I'm going to take it everywhere with me, and I'm going to name it Mr. Snuffles," James said, lifting Lily over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. "Pads, come help me with Mr. Snuffles, we need to take her somewhere safe!"

Sirius lay back on the couch and pretended not to hear anything.

"Come on, Sirius, this is my teddy bear, I can't let it get away!" James tossed Lily onto the couch just next to Sirius and sat right on top of her.

"Don't, James, you're going to wrinkle the photo," Lily said in a last ditch attempt to get James to vacate his perch on her legs. It worked, and she sprung up immediately. "I left little Remus on the kitchen table, you arsehole," she squealed, making a mad dash for her sandwich, which was sitting forgotten on a plate where she'd left it.

"This is my mum's house, don't ruin anything please," Remus moaned. "At least Pads is quiet, for once."

"I was out last night, you wanker, having some fun. Of which neither of you decided to take part in," Sirius said pointedly, throwing his arm over his face. "I understand that the stag isn't stag anymore, but I was bored and lonely, Moony."

"Not for long, from what I heard," Lily said knowingly through a mouthful of wonder bread.

"What did you hear?" Sirius said, sitting up as fast as James had ever seen it.

"You act like it's some big secret when I've known for ages," Lily said, suppressing giggles. "Ages and _ages_..."

"Know what? Lily?" James looked from Lily to Sirius like he was at a tennis match. "Sirius?"

"She said she wouldn't tell anyone!" Sirius said, sounding outraged.

"I'm not just anyone," Lily said, grinning and putting her plate in the sink. "James? I'll tell you for a favor."

"What kind of favor?" James asked, not taking his eyes off of Sirius.

"I want another sandwich."

"Done."

"Sirius used to figure skate."

"I told her that in complete confidence!" Sirius raged.

"Mate, you didn't-" James started. Remus just cackled.

"I'm going home. And I'm taking baby Moony with me. At least he doesn't laugh."


	3. Lily's First Fair

The next picture was from an act of friendship, of boredom, and a secret need for closure, all made desperately by Lily.

* * *

><p>"I feel like all of you are making fun of my every time you walk past my baby picture," Remus complained on a lazy Sunday. All of them were off work except Peter, who got off on Wednesdays instead, and they were lounging on the couch in James and Lily's small flat. Granted, it was slightly larger than Sirius' or Remus', but it certainly wasn't large, and neither was the couch. Conveniently, Lily and James decided to sit in such close proximity anyway that it wasn't much of a problem.<p>

Of course, Lily had fallen asleep on James' chest while the boys had talked about Quidditch, so it wasn't as romantic as it could've been.

"Would it make you feel better to have another picture hanging around, Moony?" Sirius asked lazily. "Cause I have a really good one of James when we were in Second-"

"No, mate, you do _not _get to bring that up in front of my bloody girlfriend you sodding-"

"How about I volunteer a picture?" Lily said sleepily.

"Hey, sunshine," James said, shifting his body so that she was not draped across him but lounging with her back on his chest.

Sirius pretended to gag.

"I'm serious," Lily said, pushing her hair out of her face. "I mean, there's nowhere else they'd go if I didn't put them on the fridge now."

"Plus, I have a feeling you were cuter than Remus," James added, planting a kiss on the top of her head.

"While I refuse to kiss you, I do have to agree," Remus said from his armchair in the corner.

"Come on, you're saying you wouldn't kiss me on the cheek, Moony? I'm hurt." Lily jumped up from James and ran over to the armchair, putting her face right up next to Remus'. "Just a peck, Remus, and I'll get you that picture and put it right next to yours."

"May I, James?" Remus asked. James laughed and Lily jerked back.

"You don't need his permission, I do what I want," Lily said, offended. "And anyways, I got over my crush in Third Year. He's just jealous that I liked you first."

"Go ahead, put yourself out of your misery," James said, and Lily scowled.

Remus pecked her cheek and she brightened considerably. "I'm off to take a shower, then, before we're off to find my baby book! Let this Sunday be anything but lazy!"

"You wanna follow her, mate?" Sirius asked, cocking one eyebrow. "I would, damn all of you to hell."

"Well that's a nice sentiment, Pads," James said drily. "But I think I'll stay here. I like to just listen." And, as promised, Lily's warbling voice could be heard ringing through the flat, not perfectly on pitch, but nice enough to inspire the boys to get up and engage in a morning game of Would You, something they played when they didn't have anything else to do.

"Would you... swallow sixty cotton wool balls if you could pull one girl from literature and she'd be absolutely in love with you?"

"Come on, Remus, this is supposed to be fun, not all filled with your dream girl wool ball shit."

"We all know James' answer anyway."

"Well I have-"

"The love of your life, we know, mate."

And this went on for quite some time as Lily's songs floated through the house, and suddenly she was back, with wet hair and a lavender sweater.

"I wouldn't honestly," she said knowingly once she'd heard the boy's question. "Because who would want to live permanently with a chicken? Even if you did get to have permanent control over McGonagall, it's not worth that waking up at the crack of dawn thing."

"And yet you could eat the chicken, and then live with it always anyway," Sirius said, imitating Lily's tone of voice. "And then I could carry a baggie of my own feces with me always. Or, of course, I could force McGonagall to carry it and follow me around. So I would."

"Well I'm rubbish at taking care of living things, and I have no idea what I'd do with McGonagall, so I'd say that I wouldn't," Remus added.

"I'd make McGonagall do everything that requires effort and I'd name my chicken Karen and we'd run around and have fun." James looked satisfied with himself.

"Well, then, let's go get Karen," Lily said, reaching for breakfast in the form of a banana, and pulling James' and Sirius' hands so that they would follow her out the door. "Remus, you're welcome to come too."

"I'm alright, Karen sounds like a right bitch," Remus said, plopping down into Lily's previously occupied space. "I mean, if she's trying to take James away from you, Lil, she's not worth a second of your time."

"Oh, Moony, everyone knows I have this one for as long as I want," Lily said, letting go of Sirius' hand and twirling under James. "And notice, he doesn't even look upset about it."

"He has nothing to look upset about, he chased after you for years," Sirius said, grabbing Lily's hand and spinning her towards him and away from James. Lily laughed delightedly.

"Shouldn't we be leaving to get that baby picture?" James asked, reaching back for Lily. Sirius whisked her out of reach.

"Yes, actually," Lily said, and detangled herself. "And Remus is coming for this, because I am doing it for him. Get up, you lump. Let's get out of here."

They took a bus, because it was a lazy Sunday, and because Lily liked to look at all of the people as they got on and off their stops, and this was her trip, after all. James and Sirius liked the fact that there was limited seating, thought one took more advantage of it than the other. Remus simply liked that it was red and had two levels, and that he got to ride one again.

They exited, Sirius holding two slips of paper with numbers and written promises to ring, Remus holding his sandy brown bag, and James holding a hand.

Lily took out her key and they entered the house, which was hushed and rather dusty. "I'm sure," she told James with a determined look.

She picked her way around the old floral couch and armchairs and made her way to the bookcase, running her fingers along the shelves. She pulled out a large red album and extracted a photo after flipping through pages for a bit. "This one," she said, tossing it to the boys. "Now I'm going to pick up some things from my room."

It was James who picked up the picture, and James who examined it, puzzled by the black and white but smiling at the curly hair one could only imagine to be orange, and the frilly summer dress, but mostly he was smiling at the slim arms wrapped around the teddy bear that seemed to be as large as the girl in the photo.

They each took their turn with it, laughing at the hair, the dress, the bear. When Lily came back down clutching a cardboard box filled with things, they left and didn't take the bus back, because it was a lazy Sunday and they'd already squandered some of it doing things, they didn't need to ruin the rest of it.

Remus pinned the picture on the fridge when he got back, and they plopped back on the couch together, Lily on top of James and Sirius taking up far more space than necessary.

* * *

><p>The next morning was a flurry of breakfast and coffee and earl grey, and as the fridge opened and closed rapidly, the boy in the wolf suit and the girl hugging the teddy bear at the carnival flapped in the breeze of an open window.<p> 


	4. Marlene and James and some butterflies

_"Daddy, daddy, take a picture before it gets away!"_

_Marlene and James and some butterflies, 1973_

* * *

><p>The third photograph was found, folded and creased, in a pair of robes that James had hoped to never put on again.<p>

Marlene had broken them both. Her smile, her laughter, her wit and candor- they were all gone. And as Remus arrived home and crumpled in the living room, simply stating that he had arrived too late and curling inward on himself, Lily denied this fact. Marlene would walk through the door for pizza friday the next night. Pizza friday wasn't something you could just miss without coming over to explain yourself.

But when she vocalized this thought aloud, a choked sob from James seemed to rattle around in her brain, its echo cutting through any thoughts of denial Lily might have been holding onto.

Her best friend was dead.

And this was when the cries began to rip through her chest and send tongues of fire through her eyes, when the world suddenly seemed like it was going to be bleak and colorless for the rest of her life, and when she realized that the people she loved most never seemed to stick around.

"Fuck," she found herself muttering through gritted teeth. She felt strong arms wrap around her, pressing her face into a thick wool. "_Fuck_."

"I know," James managed to choke out. He rested the top of his head on Lily's hair as he felt her little hands ball into fists on his chest.

They remained this way for a long time, curled into a ball on the couch, Lily's hair growing damper and damper with each passing minute. Remus had long since gone back to headquarters to tell the next patrol when James felt Lily's hand uncurl. He raised his head slowly and felt her head leave his breastbone.

"I can't do this anymore," Lily said, breathing sharply. "I can't."

James didn't say anything. He didn't have anything to say.

* * *

><p>The funeral was two days later. They had to do it quickly, because, like it or not, there was a war on, and they had to get back to work.<p>

But James had to put on his only pair of black dress robes, the garment that had been so hated in his youth, being donned to accompany his parents to the funerals of people he'd never known. As he'd grown older, the distaste had only gotten more prominent. He'd worn them to more funerals in the past two years than he cared to count, but he'd never seemed to hate the lack of formal black robes in his closet until now.

He'd been sat on his bed, staring at his closet, for what seemed like hours. The door was shut and he couldn't see any of the clothes, but he knew they were there, hanging in the back, hidden behind his old shirts and school robes that he hadn't gotten around to throwing away.

Lily ambled in eventually, disappearing inside the closet and coming out holding the robes in her hands. "You have to wear them, James."

James shook his head like a child, pulling his knees up to his chest on the bed. "You have to," Lily repeated. "We have to go soon, and you can't go like that. It's disrespectful."

"To who?" James asked sullenly.

"You know," Lily said, sounding resigned.

"She wouldn't give a solitary shit," James muttered. "She'd want me to wear pink knickers and pink knickers only."

"I know that, and you know that, but-" Lily began, and then stopped short to press a hand to her forehead. "I can't argue with you right now, James. Just put on what's proper and let's get this over with. You can whine with Sirius' drunk arse afterwards."

And so James buttoned up his collar and grimaced as Lily handed him the robes, the heavy cloth pressing down on his arms. "Let me," Lily murmured, a peace offering, and she helped James to slide his arms in the sleeves.

James' shoulders drooped as they made their way out of their bedroom and into the fire, arriving at Marlene's childhood home covered in soot and only mostly put together. The bunches of flowers placed by the doorway were the only decorations, conjured by Dumbledore as a condolence for being absent.

"I can't do this," James said frantically as Alice began to approach them, Frank trailing behind her with red eyes. "I need to get out of here. Lily, please, I can't stay here, not in this house, not in these robes-"

Lily glanced at Alice and back to James, whisking him into the under stairs cupboard as his eyes grew wider and wider with each short intake of breath.

"Breathe, James," Lily instructed carefully, holding one of his hands in both of hers.

"We're here again, and she- and it's like- I can't do this, not again, not again-!" James' voice rose in pitch ever so slightly, hitching a bit.

Lily squeezed his hand and then let go, gripping the front of his robes. "I need you to calm down, love," she said, knotting her hands into the fabric. "We're in a cupboard and there's spiders, and you know how I hate spiders."

James didn't reply. His eyes were screwed shut as he forced air out of his lungs in ragged puffs, his glasses slipping slowly down his nose. "Too- many- legs," he wheezed out.

Lily laughed breathlessly. "This one's white all over, and it's about two inches from the top of my head."

"Sounds- scary."

Lily kept her hands on James' robes, tugging gently. "Terrifying."

James' shoulder slowed their rapid movements, his breath becoming quieter as his eyes relaxed. Lily pulled him close, crushing him with an embrace that made his eyes shoot wide open.

"D'you want to go home now?" She asked, her voice muffled against his shirt. "I want to go home."

His hand covered hers as they made their way out of the tastefully decorated front hall, James breathing slowly and Lily's red eyes betraying her attempt to look strong. He almost splinched when he apparated home. The only thing that kept him in one piece was Lily's iron grip on his wrist.

* * *

><p>The first thing they did was take off James' robes and hang them up in the back of his closet to resume their ghostlike qualities, but not before finding something in the inside pocket, something that James felt bending the hanger.<p>

He unfolded it wordlessly, drinking in the blonde head of curls chasing after the flutter of blue on the breeze, missing her fiercely. He didn't show Lily. He couldn't.

He folded up his childhood and put it slowly back in the pocket where he found it. He would let himself forget it all, let the memories get trapped in the fabric of his father's old dress robes. He wouldn't think of her hands reaching for the wings of a butterfly in June. It was so much easier to just forget it all in the back of his closet.


End file.
